Look, here’s the thing: we’re all a little kinky. At some moment in their lives, every single human being wants something that’s outside the norm, whether sexual or otherwise. You do, your partner does, your parents did, your kids will. Everyone, at some point, wants something weird. The questions isn’t whether you have oddball desires, it’s whether you’re honest about them.  

Whether you’ve really sat down and uncovered your own secret desires or just perhaps noticed them as passing thoughts and images, I’m assuming you’ve noticed that they tend to come with bit of shame attached. Whether your kink involves a pretty foot or a slap in the face or some very dirty words or an orgy scene, the shame says: You should not want this. This is the weirdest, most horrible thing ever. You are damaged. It’s the shame that kills relationships and happiness. It’s the shame I’m concerned with here.

Shame is corrosive and will halt relationship intimacy dead. Shame is the idea that there’s something wrong with you and so you’re unlovable. When you’re experiencing shame about something in your relationship, you can’t communicate about it. And we all know that’s a problem.

So take some time to uncover your desires. Once done, the next question is: Will you share them with your partner? The courage-to-share issue is a big one. You’re probably worried that you’ll alienate your partner, or that you’ll bring the relationship to an end by speaking up about what you want, because it’s so weird and shameful. In a healthy relationship, sharing the truth will only bring you closer. If it doesn’t, it’s probably not the right relationship.

I can tell you from years of experience talking to couples about what works and what doesn’t, that complete communication is fundamental to relationship health. Lasting couples consistently report that they can share anything with their partners without fear of being shamed.  

The key is to remember that your partner has oddball desires as well. By having the courage to open the discussion, you’re giving your partner permission to do the same. This is how you build trust and depth. This is how you stop living a lie and start living in peace.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to hide.

#ClaimYourQueer

Erik Newton is the founder of Together.