How to Love a Polyamorist

If you’re a monogamist who loves a non-monogamist, there are three things you need to know.

How To Love A Polyamorist


photo courtesy of Nemanja Glumac

filed under Advice

The good news is that monogamous people can enjoy fulfilling relationships with polyamorous people. The bad news is that mono/poly relationships are not easy. Mono/poly pairings aren’t exactly doomed to failure, but the inherent dynamics are much more challenging than relationships in which both parties share similar love-styles. Not only does everyone love differently, but we all find fulfillment in different ways. The success of mono/poly relationships depends on both partners accepting and respecting each other as individuals with different emotional needs.

We live in a mononormative culture that tells us relationships are only valid when they’re exclusive. Mono/poly relationships challenge this unwritten rule because only one partner remains monogamous. Sounds challenging, right? As a polyamorous person, I’ve seen up close how a monogamist handles such a situation. I dated someone who had a monogamous wife. She was easily one of the best metamours I’ve ever had. (“Metamour” refers to your partner’s other partners. More on that later.) A monogamist in a relationship with a poly person must come to terms with the following realities:

Polyamory is about your partner’s individuality, not you.

Polyamory is my natural love-style and my lifestyle reflects it. My polyamorous orientation is a fixed trait and not something for me to overcome. It’s a part of my individuality. While people can and do change their minds about polyamory, your best bet is to assume it’s never going to happen. Sure, it took a little easing into after years of mononormative cultural conditioning. But at this point, after so many years of being poly, monogamy is almost as alien to me as polyamory is to strictly monogamous people. It’s not my years of experience that validate my polyamorous identity; it’s my feelings. Start thinking of polyamory as more of an emotional orientation rather than a set of relationship habits.

Don’t bother investing any effort in trying to fix something that isn’t broken. In this case, it’s a poly person’s heart. If you love and accept someone as an individual, you won’t want to stand in the way of their happiness. Anyone who can’t come to terms with polyamory being a fixture in their relationship is probably better off finding a monogamous partner.

We all just want to be our harmless selves in peace, don’t we? My partner of seven years wasn’t so crazy about non-monogamy when I first expressed a desire for it. But upon experiencing the joys of polyamory, he changed his mind and we’ve been happily non-monogamous ever since. My ex-boyfriend’s wife (my former metamour) tried polyamory out, but it wasn’t her thing. She had all the freedom to explore but felt most fulfilled by being monogamous with her husband, even if he wasn’t monogamous with her. I’ve noticed that most people, however, are monogamous in the sense that they only feel comfortable with other monogamous people—one of the things that make successful mono/poly relationships quite rare.

You will never be their one and only, and that’s okay.

Loving your poly partner for who they are means that you’ll also accept their desire to have multiple relationships. Though my partner wasn’t thrilled about non-monogamy from the get-go, he wanted me to live a full life. Every functional mono/poly couple I’ve met understands that the poly partner’s needs can’t begin and end with one lover. Metamours will eventually come into the picture and the poly partner will experience NRE, or “new relationship energy,” that intoxicating feeling of infatuation we’re all familiar when a fresh relationship is in its honeymoon phase. When your partner becomes infatuated with someone else, you won’t be the center of their attention. It’s a fact of biochemistry for which we all must brace ourselves.

If a monogamous person cannot foresee themselves ever coming to terms with the wild ride of polyamory, they should reconsider. Sure, poly people might experience lulls in our love lives for the same reasons as other people: not meeting anyone we fancy, being overwhelmed by other responsibilities, health problems. But eventually another poly person will show up and the cycle begins again. If your stomach knots at the thought of someone else laying their paws on your partner, then you still have work to do. With that said, the wife of my ex admitted to me that though her feelings of jealousy have waned, they never completely died and continue to occasionally pang at her soul. She just learned how to deal with those uncomfortable emotions without taking it out on either of us. Some mono-metamours get overwhelmed with jealousy and impose rules like DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell), often to create the illusion of monogamy while in a relationship with a polyamorous person. In turn, the poly person has to live up to the challenge of respecting each lover’s boundaries while nurturing each relationship to its fullest potential. No matter what, you must be prepared to be nice to your partner’s partners, just as they’d better be nice to you. It is never excusable to treat your lover’s lover with hostility, nor should your partner tolerate it if someone they’re dating disrespects you in any way.

Monogamous people not only need to accept that their poly partners love other people, but they have to become comfortable with the fact that they’re not their partner’s “one and only true love.” It often requires a substantial amount of emotional labor for a monogamous person to become comfortable with the mere thought of their lover being with someone else. If you don’t want to put that effort it, that’s understandable, and a mono/mono relationship is probably your best bet.

Your poly partner’s love for someone else doesn’t negate their love for you.

If I fall in love with someone else, it doesn’t mean I’m falling out of love with my primary partner. I hook my partner up with my friends because I seriously feel that secure in his love for me. Unlike time, love is not a finite resource. My strong sense of security is founded in bulletproof trust. I don’t care if my partner hooks up with a babe at the party we both attend and then takes her out the next day. Why? Because I know he loves me. I don’t mind him dating other people because his love for them casts no shade on his love for me.

When you’re content with your partner being polyamorous, you’ll fully trust that they love you no matter how many other partners they have. Like so many other poly people, I’ve been subject to poly-shaming by people even when I was direct about my desires. The fact that we live in a mononormative culture doesn’t justify any mistreatment. I am not ashamed about sharing my love with more than one person. If you’re monogamous and you care about your poly partner’s satisfaction, you’ll support their right to love freely and not hold them to ethics they don’t believe in.

Remember that unrelenting jealousy my ex’s wife spoke of? She also said those feelings were strongly outweighed by the fact that she knew how much her husband loved her. She was confident in her knowledge that nobody could take her place. That feeling of security and contentedness is the key to successful mono/poly relationships. If you’re willing to put effort into cultivating a sense of comfort in a mono/poly arrangement, you might find love in an unlikely place.

Ghia Vitale is an assistant editor at Quail Bell Magazine.


Suggested Reading:

Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships

  • Eileen Leslie
    Posted at 06:06h, 30 May Reply

    I co-facilitate a facebook discussion group for people in mono/poly relationships. Through my polyamorous eyes, this article appeared pretty straight forward at first, but the monogamous people in our group objected that it seems to put all the onus for adjustment on the monogamous partner. I must say I agree, based on my own experience.

    While my husband and I are both poly, when I found a new serious relationship, I made a lot of effort *not* to be so overwhelmed by NRE as to let my husband feel he was losing my attention and affection. I was SO careful to make sure he felt as loved and valued as he was before. In fact, he complained once that I never discussed how I felt about my new partner or showed any signs of caring about the new relationship. Even so, I think I handled it the right way and will always do it that way.

    My husband on the other hand, who had less experience with relationships in general, made every mistake in the book and it almost destroyed our marriage, despite me being poly as well. I think a monogamous person would have been driven to depression and divorce.

    The polyamorous partner must keep their monogamous partner in mind, or it isn’t ethical non-monogamy. This article should address this from the mono person’s point of view. It could offer signs to watch out for that their poly partner is going overboard and doing stuff that isn’t acceptable in poly community (trust me, being a jerk to the established partner is definitely not acceptable to polies) and what to do if that happens.

    • M
      Posted at 15:03h, 31 May Reply

      As a person in a mono/poly relationship, I’d be interested in taking a look at your fb discussion group. Would you be willing to link/share it?

    • A
      Posted at 01:31h, 03 June Reply

      Agreed, would you please share a link to the group. I’ve just entered into a mono/poly relationship and would appreciate some other input in terms of what to be aware of.

    • Clementine
      Posted at 17:50h, 07 November Reply

      I’m also interested in the FB group on mono/poly relationships!

  • Salem Penor
    Posted at 17:27h, 04 June Reply

    1 thing mono people dating a poly person needs to know … dump them. It isn’t going to turn out well and you don’t want to spend anymore time with such a selfish person.

  • Del Jones
    Posted at 03:15h, 12 October Reply

    How to be in a poly/mono relationship when you’re poly:

    If the mono in the relationship isn’t down with you being poly, don’t lie and date others behind their back just to avoid hurting them while still fulfilling your desires. I’ve seen this happen in too many mono/poly relationships. Yeah you might lose them by being honest, but it’s not your decision to make.

  • Dennis
    Posted at 07:50h, 14 October Reply

    “Polyamory is my natural love-style and my lifestyle reflects it. My polyamorous orientation is a fixed trait and not something for me to overcome.”

    Could this also be true of the monogamous partner? Their monogamy is an orientation, a fixed trait and not something for them to overcome. A relationship is a dynamic between two people. I think it’s too simplistic to say, “Polyamory is about your partner’s individuality, not you.” It is about the relationship. Yes, if your partner is bisexual but monogamous, that trait is about them and not you. However, if you want to have multiple intimate, romantic and perhaps sexual relationships with other people, and you are in a relationship, it is about the relationship and not just about you. It seems polys recognize this because they realize they have to conduct themselves a certain way in relationship. Their have to be “rules” that everyone agrees to and abides by, because it’s about the relationship and not just about the individual.

    For a monogamous person to be with someone who is poly is not simply about not being poly themselves. It’s not just about “well, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it yourself”. That may work in some issue in life, like “accepting” same-sex marriage, but in this case, since it is about the relationship, it is also about the monogamous person being with someone who is monogamous also, at least for some. It put this down to simply to the flaws of jealousy or the desire to control is, I believe wrong, and disparaging to the mono person. It is about what kind of relationship do I want to be in.

    If you were married and suddenly your spouse came out as gay and said, I can’t have sex with you any more and I really have no romantic feelings for you any more, but I love you and respect you as a person and want to remain married, the issue would not be about the straight person not having to become gay. It would be about the change in the relationship and the nature of the relationship that would result. So, it’s not simply about each person as an individual, it is about the relationship as well and the sort of relationship each person wants to be in. Polys understand this is seems where poly is concerned because they want to be in a poly relationship and general would not be happy in a mono relationship. They would not be happy simply having the mono partner accept them and love them having their poly feelings, but not being able to express those feelings in a poly relationship.

    The article comes across as if it is the monogamous person who is “lesser”, who needs to “expand” and get their head around their partner being poly. It seems to be about, you just don’t love your poly partner enough, because if you loved them enough and really wanted them to be happy, you would be willing to be in a poly relationship even if you, yourself acts monogamously. The onus and burden that seems to underlie the article is that the mono person is “wrong” or “lesser” or less loving and so on. It seems to say, that poly can’t change, but mono should be able to.

    I have a friend (yes, really) whose girlfriend recently “came out” as poly and wants a poly relationship. She wants to be able to date and be intimate with other people (she is bisexual). This is what he is struggling with. These were not the terms of the relationship originally.

  • Lena Hei
    Posted at 11:53h, 27 October Reply

    For those of you who find the way poly people talk about a poly-mono relationships being slanted in favor of the poly partner, this is not always the case. I myself am in a long term relationship. I am poly and my partner is mono. In our case I am the only making the compromises in terms of my orientation, I do not engage in other relationships because that would be a deal breaker for him. I have learned to accept this though it can be difficult at times.

    Some have argued that this arrangement is unfair to me, stunting my experiences. The way I see it is that I am poly, just not practicing as long as I am with my partner. Compromise doesn’t have to be only on the mono side, we just don’t hear about it often!

  • Ester Lyons
    Posted at 02:23h, 24 January Reply

    I’m curious as to the length of these relationships. Are there any staticis on how many are 2 women and one man or 2 men and 1 woman? I do know of a 30 year old woman in this relationship with a woman and man. When first told, I was quite open and we talked rather openly. I’m from the 60s free love generation and don’t think I’ve ever judged others. I’m now judging. Do those here commit to life long relationships? In times of sickness do you stay? Until the end? Change diapers of those you’ve loved for years? Spend endless nights beside your terminally I’ll partners? Curious.

  • Sue Lesser
    Posted at 16:29h, 24 February Reply

    I would like to join a group discussion of Poly/ Mono relationships. I consider myself monogamous, although I haven’t always been. When I married my husband, he was very clear about his polyamorous orientation. I was cool with it. Over time, I feel the need to connect with other people in p/m relationships as I find it very difficult to talk to my strictly mono friends and sometimes I just need to feel a bit more understood, and possibly be of help to others.

  • ben skinner
    Posted at 05:20h, 13 March Reply


Post A Comment