You don’t need luck to enjoy a passionate, mutually reverent marriage. You need some fierce, wild love.
I often get asked by my girlfriends, “How did you find such an amazing husband?” To which I reply, “Find the craziest beast you can, then love him into a king.”
A beast is a man who has the will and the wish to do great things in the world. He is wild: strong in body, heart, and mind. He is also filled with energy—that pure, primal masculine strength that we are all a little afraid of. And yet, with equal fervor, he loves the world.
If you fall in love with a beast, you have the opportunity to love him into a king. If you marry a beast, he will bring all the right ingredients to set your wild heart on fire, supporting you in becoming the greatest woman you can. Here’s what I’ve learned since marrying my beast:
- Tell him what you want, often, then let him give it to you. One of the great beauties of beasts is their willingness to do whatever they can to satisfy our desires. It enforces their virility. You help the process when you communicate with clarity: Instead of “Will you please do something really fun for dinner tonight?” say, “Will you please make that delicious Bolognese sauce for dinner tonight?” Be lovingly specific, and trust that he wants to satisfy you.
- Your new mantra is: Everything he does is perfect. Yes, I said that. Do you realize that everything you do is perfect, too? This is about listening. There is an enormous difference between listening for him versus merely listening to him. Listening to is listening with all of your internal voices chiming in (“Yeah, like you even know what you’re talking about”). Listening for is holding the vast silence of creativity in your heart while he speaks (“You are so smart and sexy, I wonder what wisdom will emerge from what you’re saying”). If you listen for someone’s greatness, that is what will show up.
- Gently and frequently repeat your requests in real time. Train yourself to speak your wishes in the moment you feel them. For example, when he walks too fast and you have to rally to keep up, tell him in the moment (“Honey, I’d love to walk beside you, will you please walk at a pace I can keep up with?”) instead of waiting until you get home and finish dinner.
- When he behaves like a child (which we all do at times), love him even more. We’ve all seen our beloved beast throw a tantrum, or pick a fight, or whine for food. This is a potentially beautiful moment. Those of you who want to be mothers, practice now; those of you who are already mothers, use your magic; and those of you who are childless by choice, pay attention and react exactly the way you wished your parents had in that similar circumstance.
- Stay present for his anger. Beasts are prone to anger. But first, get comfortable with your own anger. When your beast lashes out, first check to see if you are angry as well. If you are both angry, gently and courageously remove yourselves from each other’s presence. If, however, you are not angry, then take this opportunity to love your angry beast more deeply than you may have ever loved him before. Become curious about his anger. Be clear and confident, soft and steady. Your calmness will eventually tame his raging heart, I promise.
- Beasts like sex. If you don’t like sex, don’t marry a beast. Whether it’s BDSM, fantasy and role play, or good old missionary style, honor the act as you did on the day you said, “I do.” When sex is approached with reverence and power, it can tame the wild in all of us. When sex is given and received as a gift, not a right, it becomes a means of opening his heart and soul to greatness.
- Listen for what he is passionate about and inspired by, then encourage him to follow it with all that he’s got. Be the one who knows the source of his greatness and the one who prepares the world for his wisdom.
- Finally, know yourself to be the stunning, brilliant woman that you are. In Jada Pinkett-Smith’s article, “The War on Men Through the Degradation of Woman,” she makes this strong and poetic statement: “How is man to recognize his full self, his full power through the eyes of an incomplete woman? The woman who has been stripped of Goddess recognition and diminished to a big ass and full breast for physical comfort only. The woman who has been silenced so she may forget her spiritual essence because her words stir too much thought outside of the pleasure space. The woman who has been diminished to covering all that rots inside of her with weaves and red bottom shoes.”
Do your work to become the kind of woman who can wrestle with a beast and walk beside a king.
Kate Niebauer is a dancer, writer, and painter living in Oakland.